Monday, December 18, 2006

Overwhelmed

I don't know where to start. I'm feeling so many things right now. I just came off an absolutely wonderful weekend thanks to some fantastic visitors who made me feel "normal" (relatively speaking, of course) and social again, and kept me entertained and laughing for three straight days. I am so appreciative that they took the time and effort (and it was no small effort) to come see me - not to mention that it was just so much fun to see everyone. I've been missing my friends something fierce these days, and it feels great to spend time with people.

I'm also very appreciative of the warm wishes I've received from everyone. I've been a bit of an emotional wreck all day as I try to mentally prepare myself for surgery. I realized that the two things that make me the most nervous are 1) being under anesthesia for so long tomorrow; and 2) the pain that I know I'll feel afterward. People keep telling me that Wednesday will be excruciatingly painful. I know I can tolerate a certain amount of pain at this point, but I suspect that this will be a totally different kind of pain and I have no way to know how it will feel or how well I'll be able to tolerate it. I have full confidence in my surgeon and everyone at the hospital has been incredibly nice, so I know I'm in good hands, but I can't help but be anxious and scared. I've been on edge all day and just snapped at my dad for no reason at all, and I'm realizing that I've been tearing up about every five seconds. I know that even though it's relatively long, this is a fairly routine surgery - and I'm not actually all that worried about how the surgery will go and how I'll heal - but I'm just generally very uneasy right now. I'm a gal who doesn't even like being drunk because I don't like the feeling that my head is a little bit cloudy, and tomorrow I'm going to be under general anesthesia for somewhere around eight hours, followed by two days and nights on morphine. It's daunting. The kind thoughts people have shared with me really do provide me some comfort, and I count myself lucky to have frequent reminders of how genuinely caring my friends are. The support really is helpful, and I am so glad for it - not least because I know I'll need some more support over the coming months. The recovery will be a long and winding road, I'm sure, but for now I'm just excited to get into the Recovery Phase. I can't wait until this part is behind me.

So yes, I am overwhelmed by anxiety and nerves and fears as I go into my surgery tomorrow. But I am also completely overwhelmed with gratitude. Thank you all. You help me more than you know.

I will be in the hospital for the next few days so I won't be posting here for a little while. In the meantime, though, I hope the holidays find all of you happy, healthy, and enjoying lots of time with family and friends.

Also:
If you have any more holiday party horror stories, please send them along to beanmusing@gmail.com. All names will be changed to protect the "innocent," and if you guys send a few more in I will post them here as we go through the holiday season.

3 Comments:

Blogger Marce said...

wow, you constantly amaze me with your strenght. I know you might feel bad for freaking out or getting cranky with your loved ones. But it must be pretty inevitable the day before the big day. You are pretty much my age and yet you´ve gone through sooooo much health-wise, which must be pretty hard to cope with being so young. Yet you just face what comes with an unbelievable amount of courage.
You´ll be in my thoughts tomorrow. Best of luck with the surgery, I´ll be checking back to see how you did.

December 18, 2006 8:47 PM  
Blogger 1 peanut said...

Good luck with the surgery tommorow. How long do you have to be in the hospital? Will you be home for Christmas?

I'll check in on ya later.

December 19, 2006 12:39 PM  
Blogger bean said...

Marce & Peanut, thank you so much for your good wishes! Your warm welcome to the blogging world has been lovely, and your kindness in the face of a scary situation is so helpful. Thank you both!!

January 17, 2007 1:48 AM  

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